War and Pizza
by IcyKali
Summary: An alien race with an agenda abducts our heroes! The turtles and their friends must race against the clock to find out the aliens' plans for our planet, and what they want with mutants.
1. Prologue

WAR AND PIZZA

After losing the Technodrome, the turtles' nemeses had been forced to find a new base. Eventually they had salvaged some of what was still operational in the Technodrome, and, with the help of the Rock Soldiers, had moved to a spaceship.

Oddly enough, it was easier to take over entire planets in Dimension X than it was to take over one city on Earth. Krang and Shredder had finally let go of the turtles' planet, but they had never given up their lust for power. They also hadn't given up on their love of arguments.

"Krang, for the last time, don't experiment on me while I'm asleep! If you want to learn anthropology, read a blasted book!" Shredder had woken up that morning (could you really say morning in the middle of outer space?) with a metal box with flashing LEDs on it strapped to his left arm, and a peculiar electrified feeling in his body.

Krang was tracking some object on radar when Shredder stormed onto the bridge of the ship. Krang turned and sneered at him.

"Oh, so you're still alive?" Krang warbled. "I had hoped you electrocuted yourself."

"Electrocuted myself? What is this thing?" Shredder held up the metal box, which he was thankful he had not kept on.

"I know you're a total failure of a ninja, Shredder, so I had General Tragg instruct his professional weapons engineers make you a life-energy amplifier. Despite what you think, I'm not a fool. You humans have the unfortunate habit of dropping dead in the middle of battle."

"That tells me nothing about this thing! What does it do?" Shredder yelled.

"It should allow you to create electro-magnetic pulses and shockwaves with your hands. We're going for videogame-fanfiction integration, here."

"What manner of fourth wall breaking is that?"

Before Krang could get an answer, both of them heard a loud blaring sound. There was an incoming transmission on the viewscreen. Krang rolled his eyes and pressed a button, causing the image of an alien creature to appear.

Only the alien's bust was visible. It had a longer face than a human, its skin was wrinkled and grey, and it had almond-shaped eyes that were black as a blank computer screen. It didn't appear to have ears or any hair.

The alien said something with a series of beeps and blips, which Krang understood.

"Er, Krang," said Shredder, "what is he saying?"

"He's saying that knows what I've done with the mutagen, and that he wants my help in 'purging' some planet back in your dimension."

The alien's eyes narrowed. It said something else, in a deeper tone.

"Why would you waste all that slave labor?" Krang asked the creature.

"Why do you say that?" asked Shredder.

"He said he wants to wipe all the life off of the third planet in the Sol system."

"What? B-but that's—"


	2. Alien vs Ninja

Nothing brightened April's day more than a challenge, whether it was a hard news story, or training sessions with her friends the ninja turtles, and their master. She'd been taking fighting lessons for weeks now, and she loved it. Since Dregg had been defeated, she'd become increasingly fed up with her life of being kidnapped and of being just another cog in the machinery of Channel 6. Putting aside time to train when she visited the turtles seems to help her frustration.

Even with the worst threats to the city gone, the Rat King, Leatherhead, and others were still at large. The addition of April to the team was greatly appreciated.

"Ooh, I feel real muscle, dudette!" said Michelangelo, giving one of her arms a light squeeze.

April jerked away. "Hey, you got cheese on me!"

"Actually, it's peanut butter. The pizza in the oven's PB & J."

"Well," said Splinter. He sat down at the dinner table. "I suppose you could be called butter fingers, Michelangelo. Hmm... I made a funny."

April giggled. "Okay, guys, I'll bring the pizza out. You four worked way harder than I did." She walked up to the door to the "kitchen." She was about to go though, when there was a bright blue flash. A dimensional portal was opening. April screamed.

"April! Did you burn yourself?" asked Raphael.

"No, this is an emergency!"

From the glowing blue portal, a thin, grey arm reached out, and then a tall alien slunk out. It looked like one of Hollywood's versions of a grey alien, if that alien had been tortured on the rack. It was holding a raygun.

The turtles and Splinter rushed to the kitchen door, and were to glad the five of them had weapons.

"Turtles fight with honor!" the turtles shouted, and they went to give April backup.

She smashed the thing with a front kick to its stomach, which sent it back into the portal. Unfortunately, it stayed there for all of two seconds before stepping out again with a much larger weapon than before.

Leonardo leapt forward into the air, brought a katana blade down an alien's arm, and sliced it clean off. The creature showed no sign of pain. It shot Leo with a burst of plasma, shocking his nervous system, knocking him to the ground. He collapsed onto his stomach, unconscious.

"You're not getting away with that!" yelled Raphael, throwing a sai right at its head. The sai stuck right into the creature's forehead, but that still didn't stop it. It fired another, wider burst of plasma, which created a shockwave that knocked Raph, Mike, Don, and April off their feet. Splinter managed to jump and avoid it just in time. He dashed towards the alien and hit the weapon out of its hand with a strike from his staff. The gun skidded on the floor, but then the alien's hand morphed into a smaller gun that shot Splinter in the chest. The alien grabbed the injured Splinter and threw him into the portal, then reached for the unconscious Leonardo.

Raph, Mike, and Don all charged the alien at the same time, and it retreated back into the portal. The three turtles and April ran after it, and ended up in a bright room—with three of the same creatures all pointing guns at them.

The alien that stood in front said something with harsh beeping and clicking sounds, and then the other two shot a net of electricity over Raph, Mike, and Don, singeing their shells.

The three turtles winced in pain.

"I smell turtle soup!" cried Raphael, as the they were carried away.

April was shocked, too scared to even think of moving. The third alien, the leader, shot a plasma lasso around her and led her in the opposite direction.

"I can't believe it," she said. "Beaten by aliens who are skinner than Vernon…"


	3. The Fourth Turtle

Raphael slowly opened his eyes, despite his killer headache, and took in the brightly lit room around him. He felt a plastic tightness on his wrists and ankles, which he realized was caused by restraints. He would have screamed for help, but his words died in his throat. He was paralyzed from the neck down. _This is only supposed to happen after a nightmare, right? _he thought. _It feels too real!_

Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as he saw a tall figure in silhouette holding a syringe approaching. It was like a bug-eyed grey alien, like the kind from the end of _Close Encounters. _He watched, helpless, as the alien filled the syringe with glowing blue liquid. _I suddenly feel an overwhelming sense of sympathy for people who tell abduction stories, _Raph thought. He was terrified, and yet he could not bring himself to look away

A siren blared. The alien left the needle and ran off in the direction of the sound. Raph breathed a small sigh of relief. _Saved by the alarm!_ After a few minutes, he felt sensation returning to his limbs. He groaned and strained against his restraints. He folded his knees, pushed with his feet, and finally his restraints snapped.

Raph quietly crawled off the metal examination table he was on, ducked, and took a good look around. He saw a lot of monitors with dials and flashing buttons, and some odd sign with what looked like Braille to him. He heard muffled yells.

Raph turned his head to the right. There was a glass cell with his brothers and Splinter in it! He ran over to them.

"Man, you wouldn't believe the horrible human—er, mutant experimentation they were gonna do to me! Don't these guys have laws?" Raph asked through the glass.

"We saw," said Don. "Frankly, I think I speak for all of us when I say that I'm glad you're still wisecracking."

"Well, it wasn't that bad. They didn't actually inject any stuff into me, right? Also, I'm assuming we were all captured by these creepy alien guys?"

Don, Leo, Mike, and Splinter all shared a worried look. "Raphael," said Splinter, "how much do you remember?"

"Uh, I remember… that you're my sensei, and that these guys are my brothers. What do you mean?"

"Do you remember April training with us earlier, dude?" asked Michelangelo.

"April doesn't train with us! She's a reporter, not a ninja!" Raphael chuckled.

Leonardo turned to Mike, Don, and Splinter. "I think we should take this one step at a time," he said. "Do you think you can give him instructions on how to get us out of here, Donatello?"

"Uh, okay," said Don. He turned back to Raph. "Raphael, there should be a panel next to our cell to your right. What you should do is—"

Raphael took his sais and jabbed them partway through panel, tearing the wires apart. "We have to get out of here qui—" Zzzt! His words turned to gibberish as he got zapped by electricity. As he fell unconscious, the cell door slid open.

"Well, that's one way to solve our problems." Leonardo walked out of the cell with his brothers and Splinter and picked up Raphael. "What should we do about his memory loss, sensei?"

"Unless we can find some form of remedy, we can only do our best and hope that it returns," answered Splinter.

"What I'm worried about," said Donatello, "is what else could that…" He shuddered. "…experimentation have done to him?"

All four of them looked sadly at each other before going to see if there were other "guinea pigs."


	4. Really Cell It

Shredder moaned as he woke up. "Great, I need an aspirin, I'm in a cell, and… I sense my ancient enemy Hamato Yoshi is near!" His eyes narrowed in rage.

"No," came a voice behind him. "I think you're just sensing some of his fur on my clothes."

Shredder whirled around. "April O' Neil?" he shouted. "Why the devil are you here, and why are we in a cell together?"

"Splinter, the turtles, and I were kidnapped by big grey aliens," said April. "I'm assuming they put us in the same cell because they thought we're both humans, but I for one know you're a really sorry excuse for one."

Shredder was, predictably, seeing red. He shook a fist at her. "Don't push your luck, missy, or I'll slash your eyes out with my… gauntlets…" Shredder looked at his hand. No gauntlet. He felt his head. No helmet or faceplate!

"I've been training with the turtles," said April. "Without your weapons and armor, I have a good chance of beating you."

"You do not, you cretin!"

Shredder lunged at her, and April dodged. She leapt towards the glass that was keeping them trapped.

April grinned. "If this is how you treat all your roommates—"

Shredder dashed forward and tackled her. He tried to grab her throat, but April ducked her chin. Shredder's rage grew, and he was about to jab her eyes, when suddenly there was a bright flash accompanied by something like a plasma pulse.

The light in their cell went out, but the door opened.

"Uh, instead of strangling me," said April, quivering a little, "maybe we could try and get ourselves out of here together?"

"I don't need help from the likes of you… well, actually, if we run into the turtles, I could use you as a quick hostage. You have yourself a deal, for now." He got off of her and walked towards the opening.

April stood up. "Now, care to explain how the power in this cell got shut off? We have to work together to get anywhere in this place."

Shredder turned back towards her. "I don't need to tell you anything, you rapscallion of a reporter! If I knew anything about this alien menace, I wouldn't dream of letting you work with me."

April rolled her eyes. "Well, a lot of fangirls think the opposite, but whatever. What do we know about the aliens? I tried to fight them off with my friends, and I don't think the Hollywood-esque grey bodies are biological. I think they're some kind of robotic suits. We took a limb off of one, and it regenerated into a gun!"

"In that case, maybe this experimental weapon will work on them…" he mumbled to himself.

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Let's see if you are anywhere near to becoming a ninja, missy. I know I have my doubts." Shredder ran out of the cell and started down the bright, metallic hall.

April ran after him. "Don't you mean a kunoichi?"

"I think that term's apocryphal."

The two of them ran down the hall that was lined with what looked like polished chrome panels. On the ceiling were conduits in vine-like tangles, glowing a faint green. Shredder and April reached a corner, and slowed their pace.

"Do we have a plan aside from getting out of H. R. Giger world?" April whispered.

"I'm assuming you want to reunite with those disgusting shell-backs, and I want exactly the opposite."

"Well, I think that our first steps should be the same. Let's find a map."

"Quiet! I hear somebody coming!"


	5. Through a Turtle, Clearly

The turtles and their master walked stealthily down the winding corridors of the spaceship that, in Michelangelo's mind, seemed to twist like ginger fiber (dude!). Just as the five of them were growing suspicious that they were going in circles, Raphael tripped and fell down.

"Ow!" he said. "These aliens aren't just kidnappers, they're litterers, too! What is this thing?"

Donatello looked down at what Raph had fallen over. It was a grey, wrinkled, and shimmered a bit in the light. An alien body.

"Woah, who do you think killed it?" asked Michelangelo. "This is entering seriously grimdark territory!"

"No, I don't think so," said Don. "Help me turn this guy over." Mike and Don lifted the body and turned it over. There was an empty compartment in its chest.

"I knew it! These things aren't the aliens' real bodies at all!" yelled Don. "They're suits, and it looks like the power in this one was shut off somehow. If I could study this—"

"Does this mean we'll have Utroms in this story, like in the comics?" asked Mike.

"Gee, I hope not," said Raph. "Those were written by a guy who bought a ski resort he couldn't run, and drawn by a guy who got an Army tank for his bir—"

Splinter made a shushing gesture. "I sense hostile beings nearby," he whispered. "We must flee!"

The five of them ran back down the hall. "Maybe somebody shouldn't have yelled when he saw that his hypothesis was correct!" said Leonardo.

"Oh, let it go, Leonardo."

They raced down the hall until they saw an already-cracked-open door marked with more Braille-like writing.

"That door doesn't look locked! Let's hope nobody's inside!" yelled Leo.

The five of them ducked in and shut the door behind them. The room was faintly lit with an indigo glow. It was dome-shaped like a planetarium, and a circular cluster of computer modules stood in its center. One computer station was running, projecting a map of the ship onto the ceiling. Obviously, our heroes couldn't read it because it was labeled in an alien language, but there was a blinking green dot that seemed to be indicating their position.

"Donatello, what purpose do you think this room serves?" Splinter asked.

"I think it's some sort of area set aside for strategic planning," Don answered. "I bet if I look through the data here, I could find out what theses aliens have in store for us and our planet!"

"Maybe we ought to split up," said Leo. "Donatello, Master Splinter, Michelangelo - why don't you three stay here? Raphael, let's go look for other captured mutants. I'm sure the aliens wouldn't have stopped with just us."

"Are you sure that's a good idea with Raphael's… condition, dude?" asked Mikey.

"Hey, I'm fine," said Raph. "If I forget who you guys are, then I'll start worrying."

Leo and Raph left the others to cycle through the aliens' files. Don, Mikey, and Splinter saw some maps of star systems (these aliens were apparently well-traveled), and a few diagrams of the ship itself.

A few minutes later, Donatello said, "Uh oh."

"What is it, Dontello?" asked Splinter.

"These plans here… they're for a kind of electronic field that could be routed through a satellite, and I think it's meant to be a kind of fungicide!"

"Are you saying they will kill all the fungus on our planet?" asked Splinter, shocked.

"I think so! This is the worst possible thing!"

Michelangelo looked especially horrified. "You mean… no more mushroom pizzas?"

Donatello glared angrily at him. "Michelangelo… most complex life forms are kept alive by fungi, and the Earth's covered with it! Without it, we'll all die!"


	6. The Day Leonardo Stood Still

Leonardo and Raphael ran back the way they had come. The aliens that were chasing them had cleared out.

"So, Raphael," said Leonardo, "I think the aliens would have put their kidnapping victims a.k.a. experiment fodder back where we were held."

"Taking the victim back to where he was tortured? You're such a cruel leader!" Raph teased.

Leonardo stopped in his tracks. He glared at his brother.

"What?" asked Raph. "I was only kidding around. You need a thicker shell."

"It's a joke in bad taste!" Leo yelled.

Raph's eyes went wide. "Woah, keep your voice down. Remember Donatello?

"Really, I'm fine. Amnesia usually goes away, right? Even if it doesn't, I'll just have you guys tell me what I don't recall. I'm sure Michelangelo would have a fun time as a storyteller!"

Leonardo's expression softened. "I guess that's true," he said.

Their conversation had distracted them, and they failed to hear the three approaching aliens until it was too late. Raph and Leo were cornered.

The middle alien wailed like an air raid siren. Leonardo, naturally, tried to cover his ears, but the sound triggered a strange change in Raphael. He zoned out, and his eyes became unfocused. When the noise stopped, his eyes narrowed, and he turned to Leonardo with a dour look on his face.

"We are not your enemies," said Raphael. "You and your family are of the lucky ones. You deserve life."

Leonardo was taken aback. "R-Raphael? What happened? This isn't funny!"

The aliens stared straight at Leo, and Raph continued. "Don't you see? The humans are a waste of valuable resources. You are sufficiently better than they are. That is why we have spared you. It is why you are lucky."

Leonardo's expression hardened. "If being kept in a cell and experimented on means we're lucky, we don't want to be lucky!" he yelled.

The aliens said something to each other, and then the middle one made another, harsher, lower tone. Raph was momentarily dazed, and then he snarled in rage. The aliens turned and walked away, leaving Raph to destroy Leonardo.

Raph took out his sais and charged at his brother. Before the sais could stab him through the eyes, Leo drew his katanas and deflected the blow. Raph jabbed at him, and each time Leo blocked.

Raph growled and bashed Leo's lower thigh with an axe kick, and Leo fell. Raph was about to stab his head, when he heard a yell. It was Donatello.

"Guys, guys! What are you doing? We have serious news!" He, Mike, and Master Splinter, ran towards the fight.

Raph dashed towards Don to skewer his head. Fortunately, Mike had his grappling hook out, and he saw the danger and hooked Raph's legs. Mike jerked the line, and his brother tripped. Raph's sais skidded across the floor.

Raph was growling like a rabid animal, and he tore at the grappling line. Donatello took out his bo, and was ready to smack some sense into him, but Michelangelo stopped him.

"We can't hurt him, dude! He's our brother!" said Michelangelo. "I'll snap him out of it."

Mike walked carefully up to Raph, and bent down on his knees.

"Chill out, bro," said Mike. "Don't you remember that we're buds?"

Raph whacked Mike in the side of the head. Don, and Leo, who was back on his feet, were ready to step in, but Mike seemed calm.

"Dude," he said to Raph, "don't you remember the time we had that great time we beat Leo and Don in capture the flag? Or when you became the stand-up comedian?"

Raph calmed down for a moment, and seemed to recognize Mike—the moment was just enough time for Master Splinter to smack Raph in the head.

"Ow!" he yelped. "Wait, what was I doing? Don't tell me I was mind-controlled again."

"I'm afraid that is the case," said Splinter. "Come, let us go on together. We will not split up again."

As they continued back to where they had been kept, Michelangelo asked, "Sensei, why'd you hit him? I was doing great!"

"You did very well… giving me an opening. Sometimes, one must 'knock some sense into a guy,' as they say." Splinter winked.


	7. Florocious

April panted, and she wiped sweat from her brow. "Do you have to run everywhere? I'm already exhausted from figuring out that map and getting you angry enough to take out that alien!"

"Be quiet. And of course we have to run everywhere! We are ninja!" said Shredder. "Now, if your spindly legs can carry you, let's free Krang and figure out how to leave this place once and for all."

"I don't want to work with two villains!"

"You don't have much choice. I know nothing about our enemy, and you obviously aren't strong enough to survive on your own.

"Now, I have a feeling where these abhorrent aliens are keeping him. One of them said they wanted his help in the first chapter of this story, so I bet they aren't holding him in a cell in the security sector. They're probably trying to find some way to torture information out of him, so let's try the science sector. Aliens like these are bound to have at least some torture devices, right?"

"I suppose that's plausible…" said April, "but we have no way of knowing how long you were out. What if they already got their information, and got rid of him?"

"What? If Krang dies on me, I'll… I'll kill him!"

April sighed. "Yeah, okay. Let's go."

The two of them ran in the direction of the science sector of the ship. All the racing about a starship reminded them of the Dregg debacle, when the ADD-afflicted alien attempted to take over the Earth. The aliens this time around were a bit harder to disable than Dregg's bat-men. Shredder's shockwave device only seemed to function when he became sufficiently enraged. Fortunately, April did not have much trouble getting him enraged.

"Everything's going surprisingly smoothly," said April, when they paused at the third intersection of halls.

Shredder tensed. He turned to her, anger blazing in his eyes. "You can't say that!" he yelled. "That means something's about to make everything fall to pieces!"

"Woah, woah," said April. She put her hand between them, just in case he decided to try and charge her again. "I didn't claim nothing could go wrong. I just said nothing has, yet. And keep your voice down."

Of course, that was exactly the moment when a mysterious, giant green vine chose to wrap around Shredder's waist and yank him into the corridor. April chased after it, and saw a gigantic, writhing form of tentacular vines amassed around venus flytrap-like snapping leaves.

The vine that held Shredder flipped him upside-down and began lowering him into its mouth. Shredder was, meanwhile, cursing and ineffectually bash at the creature with his fists.

"Hey, do something already, you overly-passive pressman! Make me angry!" he yelled.

April grinned, happy to oblige. "I'm a presswoman, you tin-plated moron."

Shredder growled, and the spiked mouth of the monster opened wide, ready to swallow him whole.

"That's not good enough, and the male-form embraces the female! Try harder!"

"Hm, okay…" said April, "I've seen barely any hentai, but I know exactly where this is going."

That comment got Shredder going. His left hand crackled with an electric field, and he shocked the vine beast, making it thrash and momentarily forget about devouring him.

"Oh, and," yelled April, "Eastman and Laird modeled you after a cheese grater!"

Shredder growled, and the electric field increased in intensity. He zapped the monster again, making it lurch.

"You're almost there," Shredder said, through gritted teeth.

"Hey, Shredder!" yelled April. "Did you just marry Krang for the green card, or did you have an ulterior motive?"

Shredder's eyes widened, and then he screamed in fury. An electric charge fried the entire monster's system, and it collapsed. It released Shredder, and he unceremoniously fell to the floor, where he was quickly buried under several vines.

April walked up to him. She pulled the first few vines, which now had the texture of overcooked green beans, off of him. "So," she said, "how's it feel to be rescued by me, of all people?"

Shredder sighed. "I hate life…" he moaned, "…and giant tentacle monsters."


End file.
